Learning How To Wear Shoes
“It's easier to put on a pair of shoes than to wrap the earth in leather.”
— Chögyam Trungpa
That quote has been popping up in my head a lot recently. I find it to be such a simple and oddly comforting way to frame the idea of “self-responsibility”. It’s actually a concept that I’ve struggled with and it’s only recently that I’ve started to figure out why.
When I hear “self-responsibility”, a part of me feels very peaceful and empowered. I can stay with myself. I can take care of myself.
AND
The co-dependent, conflict-avoidant, people-pleaser within me starts gobbling it up like candy. In other words, Ego grabs on and starts to co-opt it. Here are some of the thoughts that come; see if you can spot the subtle violence:
“I am responsible for myself, so if someone hurts my feelings, it's my own fault that it happened, and it’s not their job to fix it, it’s mine."
"Anything that another person does to me is my responsibility, so I just need to deal with it on my own, by myself."
"I’m evolved! Spiritual! I have all the tools! I should be able to handle this. I can do it all by myself. Problem solved! Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine. I'm fine. And if I'm not fine, it's my fault. I failed.”
I see that sometimes I just use these spiritual ideas to punish myself. To further shame the human part of me that isn’t ready yet. That IS hurt. That IS overwhelmed. That DOES need help from another person.
So lately, my practice, my meditation, my work has been to practice “self-responsibility” by taking responsibility for the parts that are still healing. I notice that sometimes, the ground is too hot, and my shoes are too thin, and I can let myself ask someone to help me lay down some extra leather. Or to at least help me tie my shoes.
What I'm realizing is this: sometimes “self-responsibility” means taking responsibility for the fact that I don’t have the capacity to take full responsibility for myself in this moment 😜😂.
Okay, before it gets away from me, here’s a concrete example:
My husband and I were talking about a friend of mine who recently started their own business and has been engaging in a lot more self-promotion. He was lightly poking fun at their sudden social media “rebrand”. This had come up before in conversation, and I’d been noticing that I felt sensitive around it, but didn’t say anything. It took me some time, but I realized a couple of things, simultaneously:
His thoughts and feelings about our friend are none of my business and have absolutely nothing to do with me.
I am about to start posting a lot more self-promotion as I start promoting the January YSD that I’ll be leading, and a lot is coming up for me around it. I’ve been avoiding putting myself out there more publicly because I have a fear of being judged by people who are close to me. I notice feelings of imposter syndrome, and a deep feeling of vulnerability.
Then I see a person who is bravely putting themselves out there. So when my husband makes a lighthearted comment, even if it's not judgmental, I hear it as judgment or rejection, because it’s what I’m already anticipating will happen if I do the same.
After this realization, I did two things:
I took it to inquiry, working on this insecurity and fear, one thought at a time. In other words, I put on my shoes. But I also…
Asked my husband if he would be willing to keep his thoughts about my friend’s social media presence to himself for a little while. I can recognize that that is not his job. I can also recognize that right now, I feel sensitive and insecure. I have a need for space and compassion, and giving that to myself looks like asking for some help. In other words, yes, I asked him to help me try to wrap a little piece of the earth in leather.
I’d love to hear how this lands with you. Let me know your thoughts.
In Love,
Lucy