Burning Clean
Let me tell you about Susan. Or at least let me try. First, let me start by saying, we love each other. And one of the things I love most about her is how hard it is for either of us to describe our relationship.
She’s kind of my boss, and I’m kind of her employee, and kind of her assistant, but I’m also kind of her partner. I’ve been described as her number two and her right hand. In response to that, she often says “Lucy is more like both of my hands”.
She’s definitely my teacher and she’s also given me the opportunity to be hers. She’s been my coach and I continue to see her as my mentor. I’ve been her support and her confidante. We’ve been each other’s encouragement and biggest cheerleaders. And I feel lucky to consider her one of my closest friends.
One of the main reasons our relationship works, despite the messy and ever-changing nature of it:
Susan and I burn clean.
I first heard the expression “burns clean” used in this way when I started teaching at Samarasa’s physical location. Susan requested that all of the yoga teachers start each class by aligning with "pure motive" - Love, Truth, and the benefit of all beings. As she described it, tradition says that offering up the “fruits” of our practice and teaching in that way was a thought to protect the spirit from accumulating karma. The practice, or the class would “burn clean” because we were aligning with the intention to be of service, not to serve ourselves.
I still use that offering at the start of every class, and even before meetings, as a reminder that I am there to be of service, not to serve my own ego, or to gain approval or appreciation from my students, employers, coworkers, or anyone else.
Burning clean in relationship is just the same. For me, it is the culmination of all of the elements of my practice:
Pure Motive - I aim to show up honestly, without an agenda. I’m not here to get anything from her. I’m not doing her any favors, nor is she doing any for me. Nothing is owed in either direction.
Nonviolent Communication - If I have a need, I feel safe to name it, make a request, and trust that she will respond honestly. And I trust that she will come to me with requests, if and when she has an unmet need.
Freedom from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation - (As a recovering people-pleaser, this is for sure the hardest one for me.) When she has a request for me, I know that it is my job to go inside and make sure that I have the space, the ability, and the honest willingness to take that on. When I find myself wanting to say 'yes' simply because I think she wants or needs me to, and I feel like I need her approval, I know that is a step down a path that leads to overwhelm or resentment. (I know because I’ve done it.)
Self-Trust - The foundation of all of it. I trust myself to be able to handle whatever arises from either of us not being able to meet the others’ requests. I know that I’m going to make mistakes and so is she. And I trust us both to be able to handle and grow from those mistakes when they happen. More "grist for the mill", so to speak.
"Burning clean" means I know that if I someday choose to walk away, I can do so freely, honestly, lovingly, and without guilt. The same goes for her. What a relief! Freedom! And ironically (or maybe obviously), it makes it easier to stay.
I’m not here to say that I (or Susan, or the two of us together) am an "Expert at Relationships" or that I’ve figured it all out. It’s always a practice.
However, I can say that being in this practice with another person has been a gift - one that I give to myself and to all of the people around me.
Try it out for yourself, and let me know what you discover.
With so much love, Lucy
