Is It Your Intuition, Or Your Trauma?

For years now, I’ve been in an ongoing conversation (with others and myself) around how to know the difference between intuition and trauma. In the times when I need to make a decision, or when I’m feeling a hunch about what to do next, I’ve found myself asking some version of the question: “is this my intuition, or my trauma?” We talked about this recently on a meditation call in relation to dating. Have you met your soulmate, or have you met someone that feels comfortable because they are helping you settle back into a familiar way of relating? Are they “the one” or do they just remind you on an unconscious level of your dad? 😆

For better or for worse, the subtext of that question has always been “intuition = good, repeating trauma = bad”. Recently, I had a lightbulb moment that has completely shifted my perspective on this. I’d love for you to sit with it and share your thoughts!

First, what I mean when I say “intuition” and “trauma”:

When I say “intuition”, I think of a deep, inner knowing. A sense from the inside that says “this is the right thing to do” or “this is a bad idea”. Interestingly, every definition I found includes something around intuition being in contrast with or beyond logical or conscious reasoning.

When I say “trauma”, I mean the response within the nervous system to an overwhelming event. Your nervous system’s job is to keep you safe. So when we are experiencing something that is overwhelming to our system - regardless of how “big” or “small” that event may appear on the outside - our nervous system steps in to protect us. I like to describe the nervous system as a very thoughtful and efficient executive assistant: it remembers everything, it thinks 3 steps ahead, and the minute it sees anything that could be a possible “threat” (ie. anything that was an issue in the past), it steps in to handle it for you. It says to your conscious mind, “don’t worry, I’ve handled this dozens of times. You take a break. I will keep you safe.”

Then your thoughtful nervous system handles it by cutting off that part of your experience so the rest of you can continue to survive. In YSD, we talk about how in those moments of trauma, that little piece of ourselves gets “frozen” in that moment. As we move throughout our lives, those pieces will stay “cut off” or “frozen” from the rest of the system until we have the tools and the capacity to go back for those pieces. Once we have the ability to regulate our own nervous system - to hold ourselves with presence through previously overwhelming experiences - we can reintegrate those frozen parts back into ourselves, piece by piece. We can slowly work our way back to wholeness. What a gift! Our body stepped in to care for us in the moments when we needed it. AND those moments aren’t lost forever! They’re just in the freezer, waiting for us to be ready and able to process them.

On some level, we are yearning for that wholeness. So as we move throughout our lives, we will unconsciously find ourselves in situations that cause us to relive our traumas. To me, it feels like our sweet inner assistant saying “hey, are you ready to deal with that thing, yet? How about now?” And every time we say (usually unconsciously) “I’m not ready”, the assistant says “no worries. I’ll hold onto it until you are.”

So we move forward, repeating the same situation in all of its different forms, until we are ready and able to stay conscious enough to make a different decision. We repair or we repeat. Rather, we repeat UNTIL we repair.

Okay, this brings us back to this question: when you’re faced with a decision, how can you know whether what you’re feeling is your intuition or if you are repeating your trauma?

My recent lightbulb moment was this:

What if there is no difference?

What if the deep inner knowing of my intuition IS the sweet wisdom of my nervous system?

If my intuition is just a deep inner knowing that this is the next right thing for me to do, and that thing means that I am reliving the same old pattern for the 18th time, then THAT is the next right thing for me to do. It means there is something here for me to see more clearly. If what I need is to walk myself into the same situation again and again until I am ready to not do that, then THAT is what I need. It takes what it takes.

Same, same.

I’m not saying this is fact. And if you feel a little triggered by this, you’re not alone - I can't certainly find that 😆. But I can also find a sense of ease in it. It takes what it takes, and when I stop questioning if what I’m feeling is a “right” or “wrong” then I can just be with myself through all of it.

I’d love to hear how this feels for you, and what arises.

In Love,

Lucy